Holy shit, is it cooking time with Irving McAllister? Yes it is! Strap your seatbelts in, kids, ‘cause we’re going on a fucking trip.

For this recipe, you will need;

Six cups of chicken broth, three tablespoons of olive oil, one whole fucking pound of portobello mushrooms, thinly sliced, one pound of white mushrooms, also thinly sliced, two shallots. Dice those fuckers. One and a half cups of arborio rice, half a cup of dry white wine, or vodka if you don’t have any white wine or don’t like it’s fucking taste, either work, sea salt ‘cause it’ll taste like fucking shit otherwise, three tablespoons of finely chopped chives, four tablespoons of butter and a third of a cup of grated parmesan cheese. The fresher the better. Also, if you’re a fucking asshole who likes ground pepper for some fucking reason, you can add some if you fucking want. You’re an asshole, though.

So, first things first, I sure as fuck hope you have a saucepan, because you’re going to fucking need it to warm that fucking broth. Use low heat.

Then, warm up the two tablespoons of olive oil in a large saucepan over some medium-high heat. Don’t. Fucking put that oil in the fucking broth you moron I will personally fucking come over there and slap you in the face if you do. You’re putting the fucking mushrooms in the oil, you ass. Not the fucking broth. Cook those mushrooms for about three minutes. They should be soft then. If they’re not, you’re fucking doing something wrong.

After that, add the third tablespoon of olive oil to a skillet, and fry those fucking shallots for a minute. Yeah. A fucking minute. Shut up. Add the rice, coat that shit with oil and fry it for two minutes. When your rice has started to go a little golden, that’s when you add your wine. Or vodka. Either works, like I said before. Stir that fucking shit. If you burn that fucking rice I will come there and fucking slap you upside the head. Holy fucking shit. Okay. Gods. So. When whichever alcohol you decided to use is absorbed by the rice, add HALF OF A FUCKING CUP OF THE BROTH to the rice. Stir that shit constantly until the broth is absorbed. Continue to just add half a cup until you’re fucking done with that broth. The rice should be like. Al dente. This should take around fifteen to twenty minutes.

When that’s done, remove that shit from the heat. I hope you didn’t forget about those fucking mushrooms because you’re going to want to put those fuckers in, WITH the oil or whatever fucking… water. Mushroom. Oil. Stuff. That’s in the pan with it, and just. Dump it in with the rice. Put the butter, chives and parmesan in. Slap that fucking salt on there and if you’re a fucking douche then fine, put the pepper in. I’m not going to have your fucking risotto. You asshole.